36 weeks

I have been pregnant for 252 days. Dresden was the size of a small blueberry when we found out about him and now he weighs about 6 pounds and measures about 18 inches long. He'll technically be considered full term next week, but I don't think I'll go into labor that early. Don't get me wrong. It'd be nice. I'm so ready, and I would love the extra time with him before school starts. But I'm not expecting it. I'm not even convinced he's in position yet. I guess we'll find out soon! Our next appointment is on Thursday, and they're doing the last ultrasound. I think they also start checking "my progress"--which is what I'll call the state of my cervix to avoid actually talking about the state of my cervix. Of course, they can't really predict anything, even with all those tests. If I had to guess, I'd say I'll go into labor after July 12 (after 38 weeks). Myoriginaldue date was July 17, so...here's hoping?

Here are some pictures. The first one was taken last night, the second one was taken 23 weeks ago (just for some perspective and wistful thinking), and then the last one is photographic evidence of my stretch marks. You can skip that one if you'd like.

I think this is the picture I'll put in the baby book. I know it's in the kitchen and not in some beautiful, flower-filled field at sunset, but hey. It took me 12 pictures to get one this good. I'll take it. I do wish that my brother hadn't left his pan on the stove--or at least that I'd noticed it before taking the picture.

My hair was looking awesome, right? I remember being sad about my "pooch" at this point, and I was SO small! I'll probably never be that small again! And my stomach will never, ever, ever look that good again. Mostly because it looks like this now:

It looks like I was clawed by a komodo dragon or something. Honestly, I'm not too bothered by their appearance. It's not like I ever spent time with my stomach showing before, so I can't imagine I'd suddenly have the urge now. Again, don't get me wrong. I'd rather not have them, but I think I did everything I could not to get them. My skin is just so thin and sensitive, no amount of lotion or moderated weight gain would prevent them. They still hurt like hell, but it's mostly the dark, wide one in the middle bottom of my stomach. It's so bad, it's actually swollen. The others feel like indentations, but this one is raised, kind of like a welt. It's a beast. I know some people are embarrassed by their stretch marks, and I know a few others who are really proud of them. I'm not either. It happens. I'll just be happy when they stop stinging.

Biscuit Recipe!

The biscuits I just made are so good, so I thought I'd post the recipe here, for myself and for you, if you're interested. It's mostly that Alton Brown recipe, but I made a few changes.

2 cups flour

4 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons butter

2 tablespoons shortening

1 cup buttermilk

The directions are basically the same, but I cooked them at 425 for 13 minutes instead of 15 at 450. I also just noticed that the recipe says to leave the dough an inch thick, which I have not been doing. These were a little over half an inch before I baked them.

Better biscuits, better evaluations. True facts.

My biscuits are getting better! I've been using a...dough blender thing (this) to blend the flour and butter, and I've been careful about not patting the dough too thin. They're still not as good as restaurant biscuits, but they were some of the best ones I've ever made. This is the recipe I used: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/southern-biscuits-recipe/index.html. I think I'll add a little more salt next time and leave the dough even thicker. I should probably get a real biscuit cutter at some point, too. I've been using the rim of a big cup, and I think it pinches the sides rather than cutting them. Maybe that's why they don't rise as much as I'd like? I'll keep working on them, but I'm happy to taste some improvement.

AND--I'm going to pretend these two things are related--my teaching evaluations from this semester are the best I've ever received. Only about 35% of my students took them, which isn't a solid percentage, but I just couldn't encourage them to complete the evaluations after the tornado. "Sorry you lost your belongings, friends, and peace of mind, but could you please...?" The funny thing is that I wasn't even nervous about looking at my evaluations this semester. I was more comfortable teachign than I'd been in the past, and I actually enjoyed it most of the time. I'll still change a few things in the future, but I am getting closer to where I want to be. Progress, progress, progress!

Here's my favorite written-in response: "She is very helpful and knows what she is talking about. You can tell that she loves what she does and she is always prepared for class. She is very personable and always there to help. If you have any questions she is very quick to respond to your email." Two other students said that they enjoyed my class so much that they're planning to take more literature in the future. All good things.

I'm most pleased with the responses about effective communication. I've always struggled with this. It feels like my students and I speak different languages sometimes, and I have a hard time explaining just about everything. But this semester! 90% strongly agreed that I was an effective communicator--up from 30% my first semester, 50% my second, and 60% my third. I'm learning!

(And yes, I have considered the possibility that all of these students were just really kind because I'm pregnant.)

Stretch Marks

Look. I imagine that first-time pregnant women tend to be the most needy, insecure, and anxious of all medical patients, and I know I am no different. I may even be more needy, insecure, and anxious than other pregnant women. But when my husband's first words to me in the morning are "Have you called the doctor yet?" it's hard for me to think that my concerns are completely invalid. I just want to talk to a doctor. I'd love to see a doctor, but since the first thing is apparently impossible, I'm guessing the second one is, too.

Everything is fine, and I'm sure my doctor would look at me as if I were stupid, but I don't care. I need to see someone about my stretch marks. They get worse--noticeably worse--every single day. Five or six days ago, I had one stretch mark from pre-pregnant weight issues and that was it. Now I have eight. Eight new ones. And four of them are much deeper and darker (purplish red) than the rest. And they hurt. I've tried googling painful stretch marks, and most of the things I read have plagiarized each other: "While not painful, the stretching of the skin may cause a tingling sensation." Tingling is not how I would describe this. I'm trying to remind myself to deal with all pain more patiently in preparation for labor, but this...this STINGS. I can deal with aching, bruising, pinching, even stabbing pains, but stinging? It's my least favorite kind of pain, and the fact that it gets worse every day and the terrifying fact that I have 7 more weeks of growing and stretching concerns me. Should it? Is this really normal? Is there anything I can do to help the stinging or slow down the stretching process? These are things I would love to ask my doctor. Unfortunately, no one can see me--or even talk to me--until Monday.

Dear belly,

Please don't burst open in the next few days.

Sincerely,

Uncomfortable Me

On the upside, at least my stomach doesn't look like this, which is supposedly an image of a first time belly at 33 weeks. Scary. Do not want.

33 weeks (and a report on birthing class)

The heat: Everyone told me that I'd be miserable this summer, and I mostly shrugged it off. I'm as accustomed to Alabama summers as one can get, and I assumed it would be the same as normal. "Hot, yes. Miserable? Eh. We'll see." Well, I SEE, thanks. It is truly hotter when you're pregnant. For real. I thought that maybe I would be the normal level of hot plus other kinds of uncomfortable and it would just seem worse, but I am now convinced that I am actually hotter than I usually am. (No jokes. You know what I mean.) I have completely given up on pants. Dresses and skirts ventilate better.

The panic: Dallas and I took a nap on one of his days off, and as soon as I woke up, I just knew something was wrong. I was completely and totally comfortable. My stomach didn't feel tight and my side didn't feel like it was full of extra elbows or kneecaps or skulls. It was TERRIFYING. Where was my baby? Why wasn't I pregnant anymore? Of course, as soon as I tried to sit up, I realized all was well. But how silly is that? I was comfortable, so I panicked. Awesome.

The belly: Oh, the belly. I suddenly have three new, deep stretch marks on my lower stomach, and they feel like streaks of bad sunburns--the tautness, the itchiness, the stinging. I didn't see that coming. Not the stretch marks, which I literally didn't see because I can't see the bottom of my stomach without doing some crazy contortions, and not the stinging. People leave that out. I swear they get worse every single day. I still put on the Palmer's lotion two or three times a day (as I have been doing the whole dang time, fat lot of good it's done) and they keep growing. My stomach is going to look AWFUL by the time this kid is ready to come out, but I'm trying not to think about it. Really, they're so wretchedly uncomfortable that I haven't much focused on the aesthetic problems they'll pose later. That'll come, I'm sure.

So...let me tell you about our experience at the birthing class. It was about breathing and relaxation for natural childbirth, so I thought it would be a good starting place. I also thought every first time mom went to these things, but apparently that is just not so, and I can see why. I left the class more confused, more concerned, and more anxious about the birth process and Dallas left being irritated that he'd wasted two hours. I'm pretty sure none of those were the intended "learning outcomes". Perhaps if we had not read anything about birth the class would have been more helpful, but we had. We'd read, we'd talked to each other, and we'd run a few things by my doctor. The instructor nurse was certainly nice enough, and I don't mean to make it sound otherwise. It's just...there was so much contradictory information. For example!

Everything she said about the bag of waters was wrong. It's NOT necessary to go to the hospital as soon as the water breaks, and it's NOT necessary to artificially rupture this membrane if you are checked into labor and delivery without your water breaking naturally. In fact, everything I've read suggests that staying at home for as long as possible after the water breaks reduces the risk of infection. Something about immunities to your own household germs. And the only reasons to rupture the membrane are to move labor along IF it stalls or to check the amniotic fluid for meconium IF the baby shows signs of distress. Again, Dallas and I have told my doctor that we will do whatever is medically necessary but would like to avoid every other procedure/medicine/whatever. (Get that pointy crocheting needle away from my baby's head!)

She also said that episiotomies were standard procedure. Again. They may be common, but they are not commonly NECESSARY. Everything I've read says that the *gulp* tearing that may occur naturally is often less severe and heals better than the incision. (Get those scissors away from my...!)

I can deal with the misinformation, but the breathing demonstrations were so disappointing. I can read about the theories behind breathing practices all day long, but I wanted someone to show me how it sounded and what it looked like so I understood what to do. She tried to show us, I guess, but it was all completely unclear. She demonstrated them, but I had no idea when she was exhaling and inhaling and she didn't walk around during practice time to observe us or give us pointers. And then there were these little charts that were supposed to show you how to breathe, too, but they mostly looked like the squiggles cartoon characters get over their heads when they're confused. Appropriate, but so not helpful.

31 weeks

Surprise! I'm super pregnant. At least three people this week have said, "Wow! You got big." I might be offended if it weren't so true. AND I read that little D is about to hit a growth spurt: half a pound every week until he's born. I'm trying to take my magically expanding belly as a sign that my baby is healthy, but I kind of hate how I look. AND my belly button is definitely popping out a little more every day. It's a crazy, upside down heart-shaped protuberance now. AND I got on the scale today for the first time in two or three weeks. I've gained about 24 pounds. Eep. The good news is that even if I gain a full pound every week for the next nine weeks, I'll still be below the 35 pound mark, which is considered healthy. I keep telling myself that I have lost 45 in less than seven months, so I can do it again. Right? Right.

My checkup was fine. I spoke to my doctor about a few of my laboring concerns, and she agreed not to induce, augment, slice, medicate, or mandate positions unless it was medically necessary. I couldn't ask for a better answer, especially after the intern doctor person brushed aside my question about the episiotomy with "She'll tell you before she does it." Gee, thanks. My doctor also said that not getting too set on a birth plan was a good idea since so much of labor and delivery is unpredictable and situational. I feel awfully under-prepared, but I have thought about these things and I do know my options. I guess that's enough.

I still don't know where I want to deliver. I thought that once I saw both of the hospitals that one would stand out, but they're both good. The only differences that I noticed were that the people at Tuscaloosa were slightly more personable than the people at Northport, and the rooms at N were larger than the rooms at T. I do like that you stay in the same room for the whole time at N and that there's a pull-out sofa bed for Dallas. I'll probably end up there, more because it's what everyone recommends than because it's truly a nicer place. But, really, there's nothing wrong with Tuscaloosa either. Dallas still prefers it.

Today is our fourth anniversary. We spent the entire day in hospitals before he had to go to work at 2, and he won't be home until around 11:30 tonight. It's hard to complain too much because my sister didn't get to see her husband AT ALL on their first anniversary, and I can't be upset that he's working after struggling to find a job for so long. I miss him and I wish I could be with him, but that's how I feel all the time. Really, an anniversary spent taking care of gestational business and paying the bills isn't so bad.

hospital touring and birth planning and pediatrician finding

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 9am so I figured I'd post my (bi)weekly update after that. In the meantime...

MAN! There's a lot of planning that goes into having a baby. I've been on autopilot as far as pregnancy goes for the last 5 months, taking care of myself as well as possible and trying to minimize my daily stress level, and so much stuff snuck up on me. ["Snuck" is apparently not a word.] Before this week, I hadn't toured the local labor and delivery wards, which I have to do so I can decide where I'm delivering and register for hospital specific birthing classes, which I also haven't done. I'm also working on my "birth plan," mostly by reading The Big Book of Birth. I also forgot that we needed a pediatrician until the nurse at Tuscaloosa DCH asked who we'd interviewed. Say what? I feel so far behind.

I haven't come up with much of a concrete birth plan; it's still basically "don't let either of us die." I have, however, made a few decisions. I'll spare you the gross ones.

1. No systemic narcotics. It can make the baby groggy, which makes it harder for him to take those first breaths on his own.

2. No rupturing of the bag of waters if not medically necessary. (Trust me. You might think that's a gross one, but it's nothing compared to some of the other things.) It increases risk of infection, and they have to stick something sharp and pointy right up next to my baby's head. The only benefit (as far as I know) is that it can help a slow labor progress.

3. No episiotomy unless medically necessary. I don't feel like I need to explain that one. Just no.

4. We're going to try to manage early labor at the apartment, since everything I've read says that this is better than going to the hospital too soon. We're undecided on when early labor shifts into active labor. The book we're reading says that we should go to the hospital when my contractions are three minutes apart, and that's Dallas's plan, but I feel like three minutes apart will be cutting it pretty close. I say five. We'll probably split the difference.

5. I'm terrified (TERRIFIED!) of the epidural, and reading more about it hasn't helped like everyone said it would. You may not believe me, but I'm not worried about the pain. I'm worried about them putting a big needle into my spine and leaving (LEAVING!) a catheter in there. I'm worried that I'll have permanent back pain after. I'm worried that I'll be paralyzed. These are both pretty rare, but they do happen. Also, and this isn't usually considered a risk, but epidurals regularly cause drops in blood pressure, and mine is already really, really low with a tendency to crash. Also? Epidurals can cause anaphylactic shock.

6. I want the freedom to try different birthing positions, and, apparently, if you have an epidural, you're limited to laying on your back while you push. I can't lie on my back for more than 15 minutes without getting feeling really sick. I can't imagine doing it for an hour and a half. ALSO! Did you know that most first-timers push for an hour and a half? What the hell is that? I always thought it was 20 minutes, max.

7. The last two points lead to this: I'm going to attempt a natural childbirth, but I don't want anyone to get all judge-y if I decide I can't do it. I'm not crusading, and I don't want a nurse, doula, midwife, doctor, anyone who is. Honestly, I will start axe-murdering people if they tell me what I do and don't want while laboring. If I say I want an epidural, I want one. I also don't want people thinking "You're planning a natural birth? Oh, you're a brave woman." This is 100% motivated by fear--fear that the medicine will hurt the baby, fear that I'll have a rubbery tube in my spine, fear that my blood pressure will crash, fear that I'll end up paralyzed, fear that I'll have to push in a position that makes me ill, fear that the episiotomy rate for the epidural position is higher. It's not brave, I promise you. I'm just petrified of all the other options. Laboring naturally will of course be more painful, but it seems a lot safer to me. (And my mom had three completely natural VBACs in the 80s. Maybe there's a super-birther gene. Here's hoping.)

As far as the hospitals go, I'm still undecided. I've toured DCH Tuscaloosa, and I have an appointment to tour the Northport facility tomorrow. Everyone--yes, everyone!--recommends the Northport location, but I'm hesitant. We've had three really good experiences at DCH, and I know that they encourage rooming in with the baby, and they have central monitoring with the option for telemetry--which means I could be up and walking around more without being unhooked from machines. Northport doesn't have central monitoring, which means the nurse stays in the room with you the whole time, checking contractions, heartrate, blood pressure, etc. A lot of women have said they appreciated this, but I think I would hate it. Without seeing the hospital, the only thing I think Northport has on Tuscaloosa is that I would be in one room for labor, delivery, recovery, and postpartum in Northport. And the postpartum rooms in Tuscaloosa are kind of...disappointing.