Medicaid Blues

I don't think of myself as a control freak, but the whole Medicaid application process is pushing all of the right buttons and making me crazy. The insurance I have covers 70 or 80% of pregnancy expenses (according to who you ask), but I KNOW I qualify for Medicaid. They should pick up whatever my primary insurance won't, right? And then they should cover Dresden for a little while? Whatever. The system--the whole medical system, actually--is broken.

Check this out:

Dec. 21--Submitted my application and was told to wait 45 days before inquiring.

Feb. 10--Hadn't heard anything, so I call the number I was given. That woman is out of town, so I call the number left on her machine. That woman can't help me, so she sends me to an Alabama Health Network representative, and so on, for five different phone calls. Finally, I find out that my file is pending in Montgomery. So I call that number. Apparently, she'd had my application for three weeks but couldn't process it because the proof of pregnancy I'd submitted wasn't what they needed. You'd think she would have called or sent a letter or something, right? What the hell.

Feb 14--Asked my doctor to fax an approved proof of pregnancy to the number the Montgomery rep gave me. She said a nurse would take care of it and handed the number to one of the ladies who sits at the nurses' station.

Feb. 28--And I still haven't heard anything. The Montgomery rep. told me I need to get this paper to her by March 2. I called her this morning, and she says she hasn't received anything. I called my doctor's office, and after being transferred four times, I left a message for a nurse.

I feel helpless. I hate feeling helpless. I simply can't write a proof of pregnancy myself. I NEED them to do this for me, and I need them to do it today. I need the Montgomery rep to communicate with me when she doesn't have what she needs. I have no car, so I can't just drive around harassing people until they do what they say they'll do.

18 weeks and some change

I thought I should at least post a picture, even if I have no time to write an actual entry. Trust that all is well and all manner of things shall be well. Here I am.

The future Mrs. Robbins/Dr. Whyte told me I looked sad in all my previous pictures, so I made a different face. This is more of a I just woke up what is my hair doing omg face than a dismayed face, but I do understand the confusion.

Oh. And I've gained about 12 lbs.

Parenting, Part 1: Discipline

Let me give you a piece of context for this post. I was doing some schoolwork outside of Starbucks this afternoon, and these children--oh my Lord, these children!--started yelling "War Eagle!" at every single passer-by. I ignored them as much as possible, but after an hour of this, I just had to look at the group. There were eight 10-13 year olds with five parents. PARENTS! Letting their children yell at strangers! It's unacceptable regardless of word choice, but the Auburnness of their chosen mantra only made it worse. It's just bad decision-making. I promise you that if those children were adults (as the parents with them were!) they would have been confronted by one of the many accosted Tuscaloosans. And it goes both ways. Let me go to Auburn's busiest mall on a Sunday afternoon and yell "Roll Tide." I'd deserve whatever beating I got.

So there I was, contemplating the difference between acceptable adult behavior and what we allow our children to do. I looked down at my stomach and used my xray vision to communicate to Dresden (oh! it's a boy if you missed it!) just how reprehensible I found this behavior, lest he think that my silence on the subject meant I condoned any of this. I didn't get so much as an understanding little squiggle of acknowledgment, but I know he'll get the memo before too long. I wondered, too, about how these parents are teaching their children about social behavior, respect, and decorum. Maybe it's the dilettante anthropologist in me, but I am very much of the mind that we educate and discipline our children as a means of enculturation. If I raise this child and he is incapable of participating in human society, I have failed. Or, in evolutionary terms, if I raise this child and he doesn't learn how to sense and evade any unnecessary danger, I have failed. I'm all for teaching my child that bucking the system, fighting "The Man," and taking a stand are all noble and historically necessary decisions (aren't I going to be a great mom? ha.), but I'd also like to teach him how to choose his battles. If my babe is going down in a blaze of civil disobedience, I hope it's not about something as trivial as football. Being an activist is one thing; being an ass is another.

Here's my point. Dallas and I will be spankers. That's right. I know it's unpopular these days, and I do understand the objections against physical disciplinary actions, but we both believe that this method will be more effective for us than "gentle discipline." Using logical consequences of bad behavior is smart and naturally preferable, but sometimes...the logical consequence in real world terms is getting your butt whipped. Take hate speech for example. (I'm not suggesting that there's a connection between War Eagle-ing strangers and hate speech. That's just absurd.) I don't think a child can understand why hate speech is wrong. Hell, recent events suggest that my students don't even understand why hate speech is wrong. How am I to illustrate how painful language can be? Would I ask Dresden, "How would you feel if I said you were stupid and ugly?" No. Absolutely not. If he is anything like me, he would internalize that and think I was actually calling him those things. He'd hate himself for years, resent me, and eventually tell his therapist about how his mother never thought he was good enough. I hope I'll never have to deal with this particular issue, but I promise if I ever hear Dresden use such language, I'll attempt to explain why the behavior is wrong and give him one warning. If he does it again, I will spank him. And if he does it again, I'll have Dallas spank him. It's as simple as that.

Let me make one thing clear. I have nothing against parents who choose not to use these measures and I do believe gentle discipline can be effective. There are few parenting choices that I believe are really and truly wrong. This is not one of them. Parenting, like so many other things, is personal, and I do not presume to question other people's methods.

Unless their children are screaming "War Eagle" in the middle of Tuscaloosa. Then I think they're sanctioning their children's irresponsible, obnoxious, and socially deviant behavior, which is anthropologically inadvisable.

Edited because my husband says I have to add his two cents on these posts: "Parents who don't beat their children are pussies." There.

My womanly worth defined through baked goods.

Last night's biscuits were bland. (No, that is not a metaphor for sex.) My peanut butter cookies--the ones I meant to take to the EGO bake sale this morning--so sorry about that---were quite delicious. I can make zucchini bread and cookies and shortbread and cheesecake. I can make homemade sausage and lentil soup and enchiladas and lasagna and pastitsio. I stopped smoking and drinking. I cut back on the swearing. I'm growing a baby. And still the magic of biscuits is just too much for my culinary prowess and personal rectitude! And yes. I seriously do consider this a moral failure.

My appointment is in 2.5 hours!

some unspecified number of weeks

I had a doctor's appointment today. Everything is going well, I've had zero spotting and no significant cramping, and the baby's heartbeat is still perfect. The doctor said even my belly button weirdness is normal! Whew. My uterus has hardened enough now that you (that's a theoretical "you," by the way, not an invitation to my reader) can feel it from the outside, so my doctor measured me. I don't know the specifics, but I am apparently measuring bigger than my 16 weeks would suggest, and that combined with the fact that the fetus measured large three weeks ago led my doctor to schedule an ultrasound on Monday to "reassess" my due date. I am anywhere from 16 weeks to 17 and a half, I would think. Although we weren't planning on finding out the sex until the big 3d ultrasound in March, this means we'll probably get to see in just five days!

Also, I had the last round of genetic screening done today--at least I think it's the last round. They only call if something is wrong, so hopefully the next 24 hours will pass without any news.

15 (and a half) weeks

(I'm going to stick with my original due date calendar, but I may be a week ahead of that. The baby is measuring big--which MUST mean that I'm further along than they thought since I simply refuse to have a big baby.)

Not much has changed in the last week. Except for, you know, THIS.

WHAT!? I knew I'd grow a lot in the next few weeks/months, but I didn't realize the baby would absorb my butt. It's gone! I was about 134lbs before, and now I weigh about 141. I feel like that's a reasonable amount for a woman to gain over four months of pregnancy, but the online chart I was following says it's at the high end. So I stopped following it. Bastards.

Also, my belly button is being bizarre. I know that it will (eventually) pop out (which is gross), but it's just kind of hardening around the upper edge right now, and there's a thumbprint-sized dimple right above it. I haven't read anything online about this, so I am a little concerned. The good news is that we might be able to feel the baby move. I think I've felt it, and Dallas is positive he has. He said he felt something--like a knee?--move across my stomach. I'm still unsure. I'm waiting for a sensation that couldn't possibly be anything else. This next appointment (February 9) cannot get here quickly enough. I know it hasn't been THAT long since the last appointment, but I need to hear the heartbeat or see the baby squirming around or something. I get a little more anxious and panicked every day. I need to know it's okay.

Check out this bedding. We're not buying anything right now, obviously, but I've been looking around with some help from Dallas's sister. She found this on Etsy, and I love it. I would do some combination of F,G,H, and K for a boy. I've had this set for a girl picked out for over a month, and it's a helluva lot cheaper. We'll find out what we're having in about 4 weeks.

And lastly--here's the latest weird dream. I was on a quest for something, and I had to win a karaoke contest to get the last clue. Everyone was encouraging me to sing "Midnight Train to Georgia," but, unfortunately, I decided to sing...a Snickers bar? Yes. I got on stage and attempted to SING A CANDY BAR. My subconscious is a freak.

Brit Lit I, take two.

Just so you know, this is not about pregnancy stuff. I'll write an update at some point, but I'm still in teacher mode right now. If you're not interested in my thoughts on teaching literature, you can stop reading. I won't know.

That said, how much better is teaching this semester!?! For the first time since I started teaching, I don't hate myself for choosing this profession. I'm actually enjoying it. I still have some anxiety issues before every class, which is inconvenient for Tuesday and Thursday mornings since it actually affects my sleep the night before, but...all in all? SO MUCH BETTER. I feel more comfortable in front of the class, I don't wonder what to do with my hands or feel awkward about sitting on the table, and I stumble over my words much less frequently. Overall, I'm more organized and coherent and far less spastic/neurotic. All good things.

But I think this semester's success (so far!) is due to more than just my changing attitude. I think my current style of teaching, my reading selections, and my assignments encourage the kind of class I want to teach whereas last semester was based on other people's experiences and expectations. Again, I'm not complaining. Having a model syllabus was invaluable, and I would always urge new teachers to build on an existing schedule. You have to start somewhere, and following in others' footsteps is always a valid choice. However! I found that using powerpoints, doing daily quizzes, and lecturing just did not work for me. I was trying to teach like someone else. Although I can't claim that my teaching persona is fully formed or that my classes are completely hiccough free, I can say that it's all getting better. And thank God for that.

This may not be particularly helpful or even remotely interesting, but I thought I'd jot down some of the successful changes I've made this semester. I'd like to think that reflecting on my development as a teacher will someday be useful. Maybe. Hopefully.

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Reading Assignments: Cut way, way back. I tried to cover the introduction to the Renaissance, the development of the sonnet, and selections from Wyatt, Surrey, Spenser, Sidney, and Wroth all in one day last semester. We covered one poem, and I had to restructure my entire syllabus mid-semester. Lesson learned. Happier students, happier teacher.

Daily Work: As amusing as the daily quizzes could be (Martin Luther freed the slaves? Really?), I never felt like they accurately tested what they were ostensibly supposed to. People who did the reading could still fail. And they often did. By mid-semester last year, my students' average for daily work was 48. Halfway through the semester, we switched to daily reading questions which they submitted at the beginning of class. This was easier for my students but dreadful for me. It made our discussions haphazard and manic. I'm still doing daily reading questions now, but they email me the night before class so I have a chance to weed through and organize everything. THEN! And I'm not sure how this will work in practice, but THEN! I make handouts out of the top 10 or so questions and use that to structure our class discussions--WHICH TOTALLY EXIST!!! I told my students that they have to come to class ready to discuss their question in order to get credit, and it's been so lovely because they do. Finally, I am basing my midterm off of the questions my students generate, so they can use these handouts as blueprints for their note-taking and study guides for their tests. We'll see how it goes, but I'm really happy with this structure so far.

Class time: I've stripped Power Points down to a few important images or maps. There's rarely anything beyond source information written on each slide, so my students actually listen to what I'm saying (in theory) and look at what I'm writing on the board. With the PPs, they thought they could just get down each slide and tune out everything else. It also shut down any conversation because they were too busy copying notes to think about the questions I was asking. In retrospect, this is understandable, but it was absolutely maddening at the time. I do not have a great speaking voice, so lecturing for an hour and fifteen minutes was miserable and made me extremely self-conscious. I've switched to making lesson notes for myself and beginning each class with a short introduction to the time period or literary genre, writing key dates and terms on the board as I go. After that, we do plot summaries (briefly) and then jump right into their questions. I'm usually able to highlight the important passages in response to their questions, so I still get to teach everything I normally would.

Note: Unfortunately, the greater emphasis on conversation and discussion also creates more opportunities for digression. We somehow went from talking about Sir Gawain and the Green Knight to medieval definitions of sodomy and the turkey thermometer explanation of biological differences tonight. It helps them understand the contemporary mindset, but it's not EXACTLY what I had in mind for tonight's class. And then there's the whole broken projector thing and explaining "quaint" without the help of the OED. Ah, well. C'est la vie.

Finally, and this may be the biggest, best improvement I made since it was the first...

Introduction Day: Instead of following my old formula for the first day, I decided to skip the ice-breaker portion and make them pick apart an image instead. I wanted to show them how to focus on descriptions (visual or literary) and think critically about how and why symbols or metaphors work. I thought about this the night before my first class, right as I was falling asleep, so I will admit that it was a gamble of sorts. But it worked really well! This is the image I used:

It's a small portion of Boticelli's Primavera. I knew the image of Cupid would be familiar enough not to completely alienate my students but still symbolically rich enough to engage and encourage critical thought. First, I had them describe the image to me and wrote key characteristics on the board. Once we had a solid description, we went through and talked about what all of the characteristics meant. Cupid is blindfolded = love is blind. Cupid has wings = love knows no bounds. Cupid is chubby = love is indulgent, gluttonous. You get the idea. I think this exercise helped introduce them to the kind of reading and thinking I expected, and it has led to better questions than I received last semester, which in turn has made our discussions far more rewarding.

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I'd like to think these improvements have helped the students, too, and I really think they have. The complimentary emails usually don't start to creep up until the end of the semester, when every student fears for his or her life/grade, but I've already received two about how much they're enjoying the class. Of course, it has occurred to me that they are just being nice because they think pregnant women are instable and impossible to please, but I'll take it nonetheless.