31 weeks

Surprise! I'm super pregnant. At least three people this week have said, "Wow! You got big." I might be offended if it weren't so true. AND I read that little D is about to hit a growth spurt: half a pound every week until he's born. I'm trying to take my magically expanding belly as a sign that my baby is healthy, but I kind of hate how I look. AND my belly button is definitely popping out a little more every day. It's a crazy, upside down heart-shaped protuberance now. AND I got on the scale today for the first time in two or three weeks. I've gained about 24 pounds. Eep. The good news is that even if I gain a full pound every week for the next nine weeks, I'll still be below the 35 pound mark, which is considered healthy. I keep telling myself that I have lost 45 in less than seven months, so I can do it again. Right? Right.

My checkup was fine. I spoke to my doctor about a few of my laboring concerns, and she agreed not to induce, augment, slice, medicate, or mandate positions unless it was medically necessary. I couldn't ask for a better answer, especially after the intern doctor person brushed aside my question about the episiotomy with "She'll tell you before she does it." Gee, thanks. My doctor also said that not getting too set on a birth plan was a good idea since so much of labor and delivery is unpredictable and situational. I feel awfully under-prepared, but I have thought about these things and I do know my options. I guess that's enough.

I still don't know where I want to deliver. I thought that once I saw both of the hospitals that one would stand out, but they're both good. The only differences that I noticed were that the people at Tuscaloosa were slightly more personable than the people at Northport, and the rooms at N were larger than the rooms at T. I do like that you stay in the same room for the whole time at N and that there's a pull-out sofa bed for Dallas. I'll probably end up there, more because it's what everyone recommends than because it's truly a nicer place. But, really, there's nothing wrong with Tuscaloosa either. Dallas still prefers it.

Today is our fourth anniversary. We spent the entire day in hospitals before he had to go to work at 2, and he won't be home until around 11:30 tonight. It's hard to complain too much because my sister didn't get to see her husband AT ALL on their first anniversary, and I can't be upset that he's working after struggling to find a job for so long. I miss him and I wish I could be with him, but that's how I feel all the time. Really, an anniversary spent taking care of gestational business and paying the bills isn't so bad.

hospital touring and birth planning and pediatrician finding

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 9am so I figured I'd post my (bi)weekly update after that. In the meantime...

MAN! There's a lot of planning that goes into having a baby. I've been on autopilot as far as pregnancy goes for the last 5 months, taking care of myself as well as possible and trying to minimize my daily stress level, and so much stuff snuck up on me. ["Snuck" is apparently not a word.] Before this week, I hadn't toured the local labor and delivery wards, which I have to do so I can decide where I'm delivering and register for hospital specific birthing classes, which I also haven't done. I'm also working on my "birth plan," mostly by reading The Big Book of Birth. I also forgot that we needed a pediatrician until the nurse at Tuscaloosa DCH asked who we'd interviewed. Say what? I feel so far behind.

I haven't come up with much of a concrete birth plan; it's still basically "don't let either of us die." I have, however, made a few decisions. I'll spare you the gross ones.

1. No systemic narcotics. It can make the baby groggy, which makes it harder for him to take those first breaths on his own.

2. No rupturing of the bag of waters if not medically necessary. (Trust me. You might think that's a gross one, but it's nothing compared to some of the other things.) It increases risk of infection, and they have to stick something sharp and pointy right up next to my baby's head. The only benefit (as far as I know) is that it can help a slow labor progress.

3. No episiotomy unless medically necessary. I don't feel like I need to explain that one. Just no.

4. We're going to try to manage early labor at the apartment, since everything I've read says that this is better than going to the hospital too soon. We're undecided on when early labor shifts into active labor. The book we're reading says that we should go to the hospital when my contractions are three minutes apart, and that's Dallas's plan, but I feel like three minutes apart will be cutting it pretty close. I say five. We'll probably split the difference.

5. I'm terrified (TERRIFIED!) of the epidural, and reading more about it hasn't helped like everyone said it would. You may not believe me, but I'm not worried about the pain. I'm worried about them putting a big needle into my spine and leaving (LEAVING!) a catheter in there. I'm worried that I'll have permanent back pain after. I'm worried that I'll be paralyzed. These are both pretty rare, but they do happen. Also, and this isn't usually considered a risk, but epidurals regularly cause drops in blood pressure, and mine is already really, really low with a tendency to crash. Also? Epidurals can cause anaphylactic shock.

6. I want the freedom to try different birthing positions, and, apparently, if you have an epidural, you're limited to laying on your back while you push. I can't lie on my back for more than 15 minutes without getting feeling really sick. I can't imagine doing it for an hour and a half. ALSO! Did you know that most first-timers push for an hour and a half? What the hell is that? I always thought it was 20 minutes, max.

7. The last two points lead to this: I'm going to attempt a natural childbirth, but I don't want anyone to get all judge-y if I decide I can't do it. I'm not crusading, and I don't want a nurse, doula, midwife, doctor, anyone who is. Honestly, I will start axe-murdering people if they tell me what I do and don't want while laboring. If I say I want an epidural, I want one. I also don't want people thinking "You're planning a natural birth? Oh, you're a brave woman." This is 100% motivated by fear--fear that the medicine will hurt the baby, fear that I'll have a rubbery tube in my spine, fear that my blood pressure will crash, fear that I'll end up paralyzed, fear that I'll have to push in a position that makes me ill, fear that the episiotomy rate for the epidural position is higher. It's not brave, I promise you. I'm just petrified of all the other options. Laboring naturally will of course be more painful, but it seems a lot safer to me. (And my mom had three completely natural VBACs in the 80s. Maybe there's a super-birther gene. Here's hoping.)

As far as the hospitals go, I'm still undecided. I've toured DCH Tuscaloosa, and I have an appointment to tour the Northport facility tomorrow. Everyone--yes, everyone!--recommends the Northport location, but I'm hesitant. We've had three really good experiences at DCH, and I know that they encourage rooming in with the baby, and they have central monitoring with the option for telemetry--which means I could be up and walking around more without being unhooked from machines. Northport doesn't have central monitoring, which means the nurse stays in the room with you the whole time, checking contractions, heartrate, blood pressure, etc. A lot of women have said they appreciated this, but I think I would hate it. Without seeing the hospital, the only thing I think Northport has on Tuscaloosa is that I would be in one room for labor, delivery, recovery, and postpartum in Northport. And the postpartum rooms in Tuscaloosa are kind of...disappointing.

29 weeks

It's hard to believe I only have 11 weeks until the due date. That seems like such a very long time. I keep thinking, "That's the WHOLE summer" and "That's almost like a semester" or "If it were 11 weeks until Christmas, I wouldn't even think about it." But this is so different than all that. It's not just 11 weeks until the summer ends, or 11 weeks until the semester ends, or 11 weeks until Christmas. This is 11 weeks until my life will never be the same. It seems like not enough time.

Everything is still going smoothly, I think. I had a doctor's appointment on Friday, and my blood sugar was normal, I'm not anemic, and Dresden is still growing at the proper rate. I've gained about 20 to 22 pounds, depending on the day. I've decided to stop weighing myself compulsively--really really this time. I was not eating properly or healthily and old body image issues started creeping up again. It's a cruel fact that eating disorders typically intensify during childbearing years and peak during pregnancy. And it's something they should tell you so you're not caught completely unaware. I want Dresden to be strong and healthy, and the logical part of my brain would rather overfeed him than underfeed him, but it's a constant struggle. I've started keeping track of what and when I eat to make sure I snack every few hours. I can't eat a real meal because I feel so very uncomfortably full after, and I swear Dresden can kick my stomach (the organ itself, not just the generalized belly area). So...a bagel here, an apple an hour or so later. All I wanted yesterday was a Panera cinnamon crunch bagel with hazelnut cream cheese. I think I need some more protein.

Dresden is extra active these days, and I love trying to figure out what he's doing. I'm sometimes surprised by how quickly he can move, mostly because I imagine him swimming around as if my uterus were a pool and I know you can't move like that underwater, but then I remember that he's now about 15 inches long and weighs over two and a half pounds. He might have had a whole lot of room a few months ago, but I think it's starting to get more like a small tub and less like a swimming pool in there. The kicks, rolls, punches, headbutts, and stretches all make more sense if I remember that he's not the size of an apple anymore. See?

He can and does move much more quickly and with much more force than I anticipated. Sometimes I think something is wrong, but if I visualize my insides like the above picture, it's less troublesome. It's all pretty amazing, actually. When he's really awake, I can feel him everywhere--close to my side, at the very top of my belly, all the way to the bottom. I think he'll be able to give my ribs a solid thwacking in a week or two. Exciting times.

OKAY! Here's my picture for today. This is why Dallas calls me Hair Monster when we get up.

Tornado

I wish there was more I could do to help everyone who has been affected by the tornado. My friends are all doing an amazing job of volunteering around town and cleaning up the wreckage, but I want to be with them, helping alongside them. I've heard so many stories about families who've lost everything, about parents who walk around with their babies wrapped in towels because they have no diapers or clothing. I understand that it's just not practical for a pregnant woman to be out there all day, and I know why Dallas wants me to be at home, but it hurts my heart to feel this helpless. He drove me down McFarland today, and I just started weeping. I kept waiting to donate money, thinking I'll go buy supplies tomorrow! or I'll go sign up at the church! but it never happened, mostly because Dallas needs the car for work, and by the time he gets home, he's physically and emotionally exhausted. He works at the Home Depot, not too far from where the tornado ripped through town, and it's apparently been turned into command central for many relief efforts. Anyhow. I realized today that while I can't do everything I want, I could donate money and that that would be better than just biding my time. So I did. (givetuscaloosa.com). We don't have much money, and I feel like an able-bodied person would be more helpful than what we can give, but apparently being pregnant means I'm no longer able-bodied.

I thought that I missed the caffeine, or the cigarettes, or the social life that went along with drinking, or chili dogs, or cheese dip, but nothing I've given up has compared to sitting on the sidelines for the last few days. Don't get me wrong. I know how lucky I am. I thank God every night that my baby is still healthy and that he still has a father, that I still have a husband. I thank God that all of my friends here in Tuscaloosa are safe. I just feel so...worthless.